Peter Lind Hayes about writing for TV | TV Guide Chicago, April 17-23 1953

ONE of the worst things any performer has to contend with is seeing his original material turn up in somebody else's act and I, for one, am getting tired of it. From now on, I'm serving warning on all other comedians to stop stealing my jokes.

I'm not kidding about this. I offer this advice to whom it may concern-this year I intend to prosecute to the fullest extent of the law any infringement by any person or persons on our new copyrighted comedy material.

It isn't easy being a combined actor- writer.

When Mary and I perform a new piece of comedy material and find it not to our liking, we immediately turn upon our writer and snarl a few un- kind words about his ability.

In my capacity as writer for Peter and Mary, I quickly change clothes, light a pipe and snidely reply: "It's not the material-it's the way you two hams do it!"

This is an occupational hazard that constantly invades our professional life. As a comedy writer for the team of Peter and Mary, I am constantly faced with a job of research that prevents me from enjoying the luxury that most comedians enjoy while their jokesmiths are turning out jokes.

If Mary approaches me with a term of endearment, I might suddenly sigh and say: "Gee, you're sweet, but I haven't read Look, Life, Time, News- week, Readers Digest, or Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, yet."

She may pout a little, but presently she'll shrug her pretty shoulders and leave me to peruse the news for what's new. Many an evening has been saved for us by a reference to a current situation like Marilyn Monroe vs. Joe DiMaggio (he's pitching now!) or any other headline of the moment.

Material Hard to Find

Hence I present this plea to other comics. Please, fellows and gals, do your own research and leave our jokes alone.

I use the word "jokes" loosely-it can refer to many angles of show business. For instance, I do not claim to have invented the crew haircut, button-down collar and military-stripe tie but I do profess to be the first comic ever to appear at the Copacabana in New York so dressed.

Now would you like to name the comics who have affected this approach since my release from the Army in 1945 and subsequent debut at the Copa in June of 1946?

Played Punchy Fighter

I do not profess to be the originator of a punch-drunk prize-fighter characterization, but I do feel that my "Punchy Callahan" instigated the various punch-drunk characters that are done by some of our so-called top comics today.

For instance, last October we played the Chicago theater and received a glowing notice from Variety, but in the last paragraph the critic mourned: "Too bad Hayes has to stoop to stealing Red Skelton's punch-drunk fighter for a finish." Young critic, no doubt.

For several weeks now, Milton Berle has glanced into his mirror and said: "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who's the greatest lover of them all?" The mirror always comes back with an insulting answer but none of them have been as funny as the ones we used last year for 27 weeks on our Ronson show Star of the Family.

I have a pathetic drunk I do now with a music box and alongside of the routine I have ten or 12 letters from friends advising me that so and so has taken the whole routine and is doing the whole thing in such and such a place.

Well this doesn't disturb you until you play such and such a place and are accused by the press of having stolen so and so's material. That is when your heart really bleeds for the hours you spent editing and perfecting a comedy routine which apparently becomes pub- lic domain the first time you do it in public.

All of this might sound like "sour grapes of wrath." This I deny.

I'm not the only comedian turning out material and there are many rou- tines which I would be happy to have thought of first, but that some other performer was clever enough to evolve. I just don't use them.

I am, however, determined to protect our comedy material to the full limit. of the law.

It's too tough to write, fellows. Go find your own.